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I will cook you dinner.

2012-05-07 05:32:43 by FIGMENTUM

Seriously.

If you live in Sydney, Australia (or pay for accommodation and travel to outside areas) I will come to your house and completely relieve you of the stress of the evening meal. Imagine, a stranger in your kitchen slaving away to satisfy your earthly sustenance requirements! What could be more comforting and secure?

I'm happy to attempt concoction of any meal, however guarantee no kind of quality. My specialties include spaghetti, stir fries, pasta bake and brownies. I am not experienced with fresh vegetables.

Prior to my arrival please ensure any smoke alarms fitted in your residence are easily accessible.

And now the business end of the deal...

1.) I will cook for a maximum of two people (not including myself). I'm not feeding the freaking Brady Bunch here alright.

2.) Client supplies all ingredients and cookware. If deficiencies are found during service I hold no responsibility for improvisations taken.

3.) Preparation time is not to exceed one hour. Consider doing some of the prep yourself or an alternate meal choice if this is unavoidable.

3.) I must at all times be addressed as Surmingstinkylot.

4.) Once preparation has begun there is to be no attempt at communication except in the following circumstances:
a.) A safety issue has arose and I am in danger.
b.) An easier way to complete an undertaken task is available.

5.) If desired, the option to cook without clothes is made available. This includes providing a safe workplace to a naked guest and appropriate safeguards and warning signs put in place to prevent the exposure of a live naked adult body to those unwilling or unready to witness. During my presence nobody else may forgo clothing.

6.) If you don't like the dinner I don't care, it probably tastes better than your genitals. You will not be refunded the cost of labour charges ($0).

7.) At no time will I be engaging in sexual acts. I am not a whore or a slut.

8.) If provided with unlimited beer throughout the evening I will do the dishes. If the beer is XXXX Summer I will also dance half-heartedly during the washing up phase.

9.) On completion of the evening I may require sleeping arrangements, regardless of locality. An attempt at some kind of comfort during the night would be appreciated. Substandard performance in this area will result in a poor review and an unimpressed PM.

10.) No transfer of currency is required to take place unless paragraph 2 is in effect.

11.) Photos or videos including myself are prohibited throughout the occasion unless I have given prior approval.

12.) At any stage I reserve the right to cancel any agreement made and depart the premises at desired level of hastiness. I will not be held liable for any damages or expected to make any sort of reimbursement.

Call me on my bananaphone if interested. Yellow-yellow-yellow, yellow-yellow-yellow-yellow.


Comments

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PillowPantsPillowPants

2012-05-07 07:42:29

But my phone doesn't have a yellow button. only green and blue ones. what do?

FIGMENTUM responds:

This is an obstacle you must overcome yourself.


SensationalismSensationalism

2012-08-11 06:23:54

WAIT A MINUTE?! In addition to being totally awesome and having stuff in common with me, you ALSO are Australian? Like you have one of those sexy accents????

FIGMENTUM responds:

I don't think the accent's that great at all


BumFodderBumFodder

2012-09-07 23:06:46

1. Buy ingredients
2. Cook them
3. Eat them


ImlunchBoxxImlunchBoxx

2012-09-18 04:41:09

this reminds me of maddox

FIGMENTUM responds:

As much as I'm flattered to be compared to an established writer (although I use the term writer fairly loosely) I really don't think I'm that big of an asshole.


castcast

2012-10-22 06:21:13

Aussie accents are way more tolerable than those of Brits IMO. All of the Aussies I've met prefer my accent over theirs and totally hate their accent but agree that British accents totally fucking blow. LOL

(I don't even agree that I have an accent, but apparently my voice is rather sexy to quite a few foreigners.)


YellowisCOOLYellowisCOOL

2012-11-30 05:14:32

Us New Zealanders won against you in the Rugby World Cup. CHECKMATE!


SensationalismSensationalism

2013-01-07 01:07:19

Well. This newpost is old soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo admit your accent is sexy.

FIGMENTUM responds:

I don't really see the relation but I've recently been told it makes me sound clever sooooooooooooooooo maybe.


SensationalismSensationalism

2013-01-07 01:08:20

Also PICK UP YOUR DAMN BANANAPHONE!!!